We Contain Multitudes

69 musings to celebrate 69 turns around the sun

I Nyoman Lantra, Balinese Healer & son of Ketut Liyer & Me 2019

There’s something about getting older that either shuts us down or opens up our vulnerabilities. There’s also a bit of the “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (We’ll see who can catch this reference in the following list). My muses keep nudging me that vulnerability is the way. Yikes! So, here to celebrate my upcoming 69 tenacious turns around the sun is my list of 69 things in no particular order or theme. Thanks for joining the celebration by reading!

1. Sometimes starting is the hardest thing, other times it’s finishing

2. I wrote a novel in 30 days. It took a few years to edit it. Blue: a novel

3. I once sat by the Pacific Ocean chatting with Justin Bieber about tattoos and family. He was plein air painting with my husband, Bill.

4. I got my first passport when I was 45 years old. London was my first overseas destination with my 10-year-old daughter.

5. I completed graduate school at age 50 with a Masters in Counseling Psychology.

6. I lost my virginity at 19 in Stillwater, Oklahoma

7. My father died in a trucking accident—single vehicle, fiery death—the day after my 19th birthday

8. I got married for the 1st time (my “starter” marriage) when I was 19

9. Terrified, secretive, and solitary, I had a legal abortion that same year

10. Evidently, 19 was a big year for me. If I put the sequence of events in order, it would be # 7, 6, 9, 8. Death. Sex. Loss. Marriage.

11. My first book started as an anonymous blog: Diamonds in the Sky with Lucy. It turned into 366 daily meditations on life called As I Lay Pondering—originally self-published in 2012. Revised and republished by WriteLife Publishing in 2019

12. I wrote my 1st Julia Cameron prescribed morning pages in April 2004.

13. My mother died May 2004. She showed her first signs of Alzheimer’s in 1989.

14. I started graduate school July 2004. I was 47 years old. (Evidently I do big things in the years of parental death)

15. I once had cocktails in Vancouver BC with poet David Whyte after we shared a weekend billing on the topic of pilgrimage.

16. Anne Lamont prayed one-on-one with me when I became tongue-tied and starstruck while attempting to interview her for Spiritual Directors International.

17. The next year, I had dinner two tables away from Mary Oliver. She seemed sad. Percy was gone and so was the love of her life.

18. I attended a writing retreat led by a beloved author. He was a horrid human being. (At least, he was that week). I wrote a lot about death and Greek gods that week and wondered about the premise to never meet your heroes.

19. Human beings are flawed. When possible, choose grace and compassion. You never know what someone may be going through.

20. I birthed two millennials with midwives and natural childbirth and learned I have a high tolerance for pain.

My beloved youngest

21. I know my children love me. I hope they like me, too.

22. Being a parent is hard. Being a child is harder.

23. My undergraduate degree was in accounting.

24. I got that practical degree to prove a professor wrong who said I could never make it in accounting or business. I was hired by then Coopers & Lybrand, a multi-national firm. I stayed for almost 9 years and was promoted to manager (one level below partner) before I resigned in 1988.

25. Working in Tulsa, Oklahoma in the 1980’s was filled with sexual harassment, big hair, women’s ties, panty hose and sensible pumps with off hours doses of Michael Jackson, Dirty Dancing, and office romances.

26. I married a co-worker in 1987. We successfully hid our relationship from colleagues for 3 years and moved to Seattle in 1989. I retired from big business and had my first baby.

27. Writing 69 things is hard.

28. I was born with dark eyes and a head full of black hair—my father’s daughter. Both my older siblings were bald and blue-eyed.

29. In our family system, I was “The Baby.” My sis is 14 years older. She was “The Pretty One” and my brother is 10 years older than I. He was “The Smart One.” My other label: “The Shy One.” Why do parents do that?

30. Those monikers f*cked each of us up in our own ways. I was in my 50s the last time I saw my mother in her dementia-like state. In a moment of clarity, she announced to the room: “Here’s my baby and my pretty one,” when my sister and I entered.

31. I talk frequently to my deceased father and we often take “solo” road trips together. He shows up in songs and sand dunes, reminding me of our mutual love of the road.

32. My father also showed up as a black butterfly in Bali (more than once) leading me to explore and work to heal that family lineage.

33. Some might say there’s a curse, but I don’t like that term. Nevertheless, the Stevens men have struggled. My great grandfather died when he fell off a railroad trestle. My grandfather was hanging a commercial sign when it fell along with bricks onto his head. He died 3 days later of brain injury. My father died in a trucking accident (see #7). My brother has his on struggles, but his longevity has outlasted them all. My son (who is named after that line) has defied death more than a few times. Currently, he is healing, conscious. and aware of his phenomenal life.

34. I am an ancestral healer. I was told once that each generation has one, should they choose to accept the mantel.

35. My mother’s name was Daisy. My granddaughter’s is Violet. I missed the flower memo.

36. I went skydiving for my 50th birthday. It was fantastic!

37. I went to Bali for the 1st time on my 60th birthday. I returned 10 weeks later and stayed almost a month.

38. My best friend’s husband, our friend Dave, died this summer. He was 60. Dave accidentally saw my breasts on the 1st Bali trip while I was having a massage. Oops! I miss that giant laugh. Life so often makes no sense.

39. My mantra: Release resentment. Surrender to gratitude.

40. I slept with corrective shoes attached to a bar when I was 4 to try and correct my “pigeon toes.”

41. I once ground grain and was the only white woman in a circle of Ethiopian tribal women. Deep respect.

42. I’ve never sung karaoke.

43. I’ve visited more than 30 countries in the last 25 years. I am a SoulStroller

44. I love my book SoulStroller: experiencing the weight, whispers, & wings of the world. It won a Nautilus Award which was kind of a big deal.

45. I am a maker, a time bender, a mystic.

46. I’m an ambivert.

47. Sometimes I really don’t like people. Mostly, I think they’re fascinating.

48. I recently signed up for Death Doula certification.

49. Death no longer frightens me although I’ve never been present at the moment of a human’s death.

50. It was an honor to hold my sweet Aslan when he passed last year and to lay next to Curry, my golden companion, when he died.

51. I have danced naked in the rain and hope to do it again sometime.

52. Pretty sure I was a witchy medicine woman or shaman in a past life … and my current one.

53. I sat on the same porch as Elizabeth Gilbert and Julia Robert’s of “Eat, Pray, Love” fame and was blessed by the son of healer Ketut Liyer after staying with his granddaughter for one month. It was all a surprise, unbeknownst to me … i.e. not planned. (See #54)

54. I believe in magic. “Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” Roald Dahl. I believe. (worth repeating)

55. The hardest things in my life have taught me the most.

56. There is no manual for grief or getting things “right.”

57. I am an unfinished woman. Hurray!

58. I have filled approximately 10 journals per year for the past 21 years. Do the math.

59. I’ve read “Gone with the Wind” 3 times

60. I grew up in the Bible Belt—descendent of pastors and red dirt.

61. My husband and I left the evangelical church together in 2005.

62. I am a Virgo sun, Taurus rising, Sagittarius moon. Refining and seeking are in my core.

63. I have worked (and been paid) as a retail person, file clerk, data processor, bank teller, accounting clerk, accountant, HR manager, marketing manager, caterer, quilter, writer, author, artist, psychotherapist, group facilitator, speaker, healer, life coach and probably a few things I can’t recall, plus countless unpaid gigs.

64. I light candles and incense at my altar almost every day before I write or paint in my journal. If I miss more than a couple of days I get itchy and/or grumpy.

65. I talk to crows and squirrels and flowers and almost anything beautiful—which is a lot!

66. I have one tattoo—a bee designed and tattooed by my very talented son. There is a very long story about the bee.

67. Once upon a time, I was my daughter’s best friend. I miss that.

68. I love Paris, my dear husband of 38 years, my family, my friends—young and old, and so much more. This life is precious.

69. I am a deeply grateful woman. This list is the tip of my iceberg. We contain multitudes.

make peace with all the women you once were.

lay flowers at their feet - emory hall

Thank you for being here. If you feel inspired, I hope you’ll share the birthday love and leave me a note or a like. It means the world to me. Actual birthdate is 9/11. How’s that for a date to remember? Peace and blessings to those who lost their lives on that fateful day in 2001 and to the families and loved ones who were left behind. Your memories live on in the small and large moments of life. Namaste.